Mooseconduct
Well, the trials and tribulations of the Michigan Moose goes on. Tonight, we played one of the better teams and lost. It ended up 2-6, which wasn't too bad considering that we had 7 skaters to their 15. I also am coining a new hockey term: Mooseconduct.
Mooseconduct: Pronounciation: - Moose - Con - Duck!(t) -- Function: noun -- The mocking, ridicule and general harrassment of an opponent who has proven to be such an intolerable asshole as to warrant said public humiliation. The purpose of Mooseconduct is to encourage idiots to expose their inner numb-skull for the world to see, resulting in them collecting penalties to which they are due. See also "to Moose:" (verb) the act of committing Mosseconduct.
Example: An idiot on the opposing team decided to lay a slash on me a few minutes into the game. This numb-nuts backed into me as I was at the top of my crease, and I put my glove hand on his back and gave him a shove. Not the kind of shove that knocks someone to the ice, just a "Hey, get outta my blue ice" kind of shove. This guy feels someone bump him, and he takes a swing, blindly, with his stick, up in my face. That was just not cool. So, I laid the lumber on him.
Even though he'd swung first, he was incensed. Quite angry, in fact. He said some hurtful things that ended with "He fuckin' two handed me!," then demanded the reffs do something. So they told him to shut up. One broke into a laugh, and pointed out that it would be pretty hard for me, a goalie, to "two hand" anyone. He then turned to me and said with a grin, "Come on, goalie, lay off the old man."
I'm not sure the age reference was appreciated. A play later, the guy slashed me after I froze a puck (and one of my defensemen assisted the cranky fellow into a comfortably prone position, lying on the net). All the while, he was screaming about getting "two handed." He just wouldn't let up.
Enter, Mooseconduct.
I pointed out that his complaints sounded like the words of a very cross and whiney female person. I also suggested that he probably secured his roster spot due to his talent for fellatio rather than hockey, and said he might want to return to the bench and persue that calling. I offered this advice loudly, as we all lined up for a faceoff, just to make sure that we were all on the same page, and to give his bigger, younger team mates a chance to step in if they wanted to. No use having to repeat myself again later, eh? I saw that my advice was having the desired affect (he was a really neat shade of purple, and visibly grinding his teeth by this time), so I added some helpful pantomimes that I won't even try to describe here.
Despite all my efforts, he didn't seem to appreciate the help. Apparently he just feels he has another calling in life. That calling turns out to be the fine art of buffoonery. He couldn't hold an edge or execute a decent stop to save his dignity, and tumbled to the ice frequently. He tried taking a run at my defensemen (all over 6 feet, all over 200 lbs), and bounced off them. He tried a run at the one female player on our team (the only player his size), and got the worst of things from her too.
By the end of the night, he was spending so much time stumbling, ranting, and falling, that none of us had to go within 10 feet of him. He would just freak out, lose his balance, and slam himself into things. It was, really, very amusing. One of the officials suggested that his need of practice was more likely to blame for his falls than any action of his opponents. He rejected this advice in such absolute and vociferous terms that the officials offered him a special seat, just to make it up to him. Then another. And another. About 15 minutes worth of special sitting, actually.
Now, I know what you're thinking: Hey, it's not nice to do that. Questioning someone's, uhm, private conduct, references to reproductive organs, mimed instructions for performing sex acts. Very juvenile. Not a nice thing to do.
I, however, explained it to my team mates like this: the man was clearly such a knuckle-dragger, such an obnoxious neanderthal, that the opportunity couldn't be passed up. I knew that a couple of simple, off color comments, especially if they seemed to question his sexuality, would just freak this guy right out of his gord. And it did. And you know what? He deserved it. He shouldn't have swung at me. It was unnecessary. It cost him 50+ minutes of being mocked, laughed at, and ridiculed. Then it cost him a stay in the box, and some nice misconducts for verbally abusing the officials. Not one of his team mates defended his conduct, or stepped in to challenge me on his behalf. Not one. Must be a popular fellow, that one.
And I? I plead guilty to Mooseconduct.
Mooseconduct: Pronounciation: - Moose - Con - Duck!(t) -- Function: noun -- The mocking, ridicule and general harrassment of an opponent who has proven to be such an intolerable asshole as to warrant said public humiliation. The purpose of Mooseconduct is to encourage idiots to expose their inner numb-skull for the world to see, resulting in them collecting penalties to which they are due. See also "to Moose:" (verb) the act of committing Mosseconduct.
Example: An idiot on the opposing team decided to lay a slash on me a few minutes into the game. This numb-nuts backed into me as I was at the top of my crease, and I put my glove hand on his back and gave him a shove. Not the kind of shove that knocks someone to the ice, just a "Hey, get outta my blue ice" kind of shove. This guy feels someone bump him, and he takes a swing, blindly, with his stick, up in my face. That was just not cool. So, I laid the lumber on him.
Even though he'd swung first, he was incensed. Quite angry, in fact. He said some hurtful things that ended with "He fuckin' two handed me!," then demanded the reffs do something. So they told him to shut up. One broke into a laugh, and pointed out that it would be pretty hard for me, a goalie, to "two hand" anyone. He then turned to me and said with a grin, "Come on, goalie, lay off the old man."
I'm not sure the age reference was appreciated. A play later, the guy slashed me after I froze a puck (and one of my defensemen assisted the cranky fellow into a comfortably prone position, lying on the net). All the while, he was screaming about getting "two handed." He just wouldn't let up.
Enter, Mooseconduct.
I pointed out that his complaints sounded like the words of a very cross and whiney female person. I also suggested that he probably secured his roster spot due to his talent for fellatio rather than hockey, and said he might want to return to the bench and persue that calling. I offered this advice loudly, as we all lined up for a faceoff, just to make sure that we were all on the same page, and to give his bigger, younger team mates a chance to step in if they wanted to. No use having to repeat myself again later, eh? I saw that my advice was having the desired affect (he was a really neat shade of purple, and visibly grinding his teeth by this time), so I added some helpful pantomimes that I won't even try to describe here.
Despite all my efforts, he didn't seem to appreciate the help. Apparently he just feels he has another calling in life. That calling turns out to be the fine art of buffoonery. He couldn't hold an edge or execute a decent stop to save his dignity, and tumbled to the ice frequently. He tried taking a run at my defensemen (all over 6 feet, all over 200 lbs), and bounced off them. He tried a run at the one female player on our team (the only player his size), and got the worst of things from her too.
By the end of the night, he was spending so much time stumbling, ranting, and falling, that none of us had to go within 10 feet of him. He would just freak out, lose his balance, and slam himself into things. It was, really, very amusing. One of the officials suggested that his need of practice was more likely to blame for his falls than any action of his opponents. He rejected this advice in such absolute and vociferous terms that the officials offered him a special seat, just to make it up to him. Then another. And another. About 15 minutes worth of special sitting, actually.
Now, I know what you're thinking: Hey, it's not nice to do that. Questioning someone's, uhm, private conduct, references to reproductive organs, mimed instructions for performing sex acts. Very juvenile. Not a nice thing to do.
I, however, explained it to my team mates like this: the man was clearly such a knuckle-dragger, such an obnoxious neanderthal, that the opportunity couldn't be passed up. I knew that a couple of simple, off color comments, especially if they seemed to question his sexuality, would just freak this guy right out of his gord. And it did. And you know what? He deserved it. He shouldn't have swung at me. It was unnecessary. It cost him 50+ minutes of being mocked, laughed at, and ridiculed. Then it cost him a stay in the box, and some nice misconducts for verbally abusing the officials. Not one of his team mates defended his conduct, or stepped in to challenge me on his behalf. Not one. Must be a popular fellow, that one.
And I? I plead guilty to Mooseconduct.
posted by Micah at 11:34 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home